The Reckless Rifter

Ode to Genitalia Club
February 7, 2010, 02:06
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: , , ,

I really have no idea what kind of odds it would take for GC to stand and fight. If someone could enlighten me, that’d be great.

We had a 15-man BC fleet, out and about, roaming the wild and woolly reaches of Curse. GC had already camped a nearby gate, but departed before we were done assembling our fleet in our home system. Fine, whatever. Maybe they were already leaving anyway.

So we’re out and about, and wouldn’t you know it, eventually we find GC again. They’ve also got lots of BCs, tackle, logistics, the works. A handsome fleet for BOZO to engage.

They also outnumber us at least 2:1, if not 3:1. I knew I should’ve gotten a screenshot…

Anyway, we send in our scout to get aggro, and proceed to warp our fleet in for what we all assume will be a delicious bloodbath.

And just as the battle was joined, and one of our Hurricanes went down, GC suddenly had a change of heart. They secreted what I like to call “nerd grease”, which is a defensive mechanism developed by all geeks, dorks, four-eyes, and melvins. Essentially, when a bully approaches and attempts to grab hold of the unfortunate nerd, the skin immediately produces a fine layer of oil that allows him to slip away from the grasping claws of an otherwise unavoidable wedgie.

I can only assume this was GC’s tactic. We had our tackle warp in at range initially, so our secondary tackle was unable to grab hold of any of the little bastards before they turned tail.

The best part was the smack afterward. They considered it a win. They killed ONE SHIP from a fleet half their size, and promptly retreated without firing another shot. Their version also claims that we had “even numbers”, and that was mere seconds after they slipped on their own shit trying to wriggle away.

Balls achingly blue (metaphorically speaking, for some of us), we ended up venturing out to CVA space. And, in what will probably be my closest brush with large-alliance warfare, we saw a reinforced tower in 9UY, or somewhere thereabouts. Exciting!

We got our fight by ganking some people who were doing something to a sovereignty module, or whatever the hell those things are. I don’t pay attention to that shit. Apparently you can drop some kind of flag with your name on it and then you own that system. I guess that’s how it usually works throughout history, despite the protestations of the natives.

We died horribly, but we got our fight, and I had to get up for work in four hours anyway. Apparently, after my ass got podded back home (fastest way to travel), there was some more action, but I can’t speak to that.

In closing, I’d like to thank GC for being such cowards, because on our trip out to Catch and Providence, we ganked a Tengu, which was my first T3 kill. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had Rifters tank more… T3 is still T3.

We also found out that GC loves BOZOKast and waits with bated breath for our every intimation that we might even THINK about mentioning them. It’s good to have fans.

Stop Being Lazy
January 14, 2010, 08:10
Filed under: BOZOKast | Tags: ,

So you see our smack in local, and think you’re so far above it? You think we’re infantile and immature? You think we’re a corp full of giggling retards?

Well why don’t you prove how smart you are by submitting a limerick for our Valentine’s Day edition of BOZOKast, you pseudo-intellectual asshole! Submissions will be read aloud by a special, sexy-voiced female guest, and there IS a prize involved, for all you “what’s in it for me” types.

If you don’t know what a limerick is, you’re fucking retarded. Put us in our places with your witty verses, or shut the fuck up. This is a great way to feel superior to us, even if you’ve had your dicks stomped by us in PVP on numerous occasions!

Submit now, faggots!

Well hot damn.
December 22, 2009, 05:01
Filed under: BOZOKast, Editorial | Tags: , ,

This blog is actually getting hits still? What the fuck? You people are pathetic.

Yeah, I picked up another job to keep the heat on, the EVE account active and the Internet connected. Unfortunately, the time I have to spend at work makes me unable to actually ENJOY the heat, Internet, and EVE, but I’m sure the dog appreciates it.

BOZO turned 2, by the way. See also: BOZOKast Christmas Special. Guaranteed to raise your sperm count!

November 2, 2009, 06:11
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

Halloween: BOZO Style

That is all.

This just ain’t right.
October 19, 2009, 05:05
Filed under: The PVP | Tags: ,

So I wanted some kind of PVP before bed, but only a few people were on, and I’m not quite yet comfortable enough in my big FC shoes (especially considering they’re clown shoes to begin with) to take out a roam.

Solution? Gatecamp. Quite a few solitary pilots were in and out of Hemin as we were assembling our fleet, which makes for perfect gatecamp fodder. Naturally, it immediately died once the bubbles were anchored, and we only got one unsuspecting cyno Kestrel.

Upon examining the kill on our killboard, which had just turned over to a new week, I noticed something quite insulting.

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

What the fresh Hell? Does anyone else notice something wrong with this picture? I’m sorry, was my contribution to this crappy cyno-ship kill not as important as the Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I’s contribution?

Actually… it probably wasn’t.

October 14, 2009, 04:24
Filed under: BOZOKast | Tags: , ,

So who won?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

All will be revealed… in BOZOKast 11.

What I can say here is that Mexico was mind-blowing, and next year will be even… blowier.

Sex and Tequila – The BOZO Mexican Extravaganza
September 20, 2009, 05:46
Filed under: Editorial | Tags:

That’s right my pretties – it’s time for the 2009 BOZO Extravaganza. Last year was Vegas, and this year… Mexico.

We will descend on the beaches en masse, armed with only our shot-glasses, Speedos, and pseudoephedrines. The resort staff will learn new ways to curse in English, and possibly, new and terrifying sexual techniques. Other tourists will leave the area when they see “those people” again. Small children selling horchata will run in fear.

I joined BOZO shortly after the Vegas Extravaganza, so this will be quite an experience for me. Mini BOZOFest on Memorial Day Weekend was certainly memorable, and I have no doubt that a full week with an even higher concentration of both BOZOs and alcohol will be mind-blowing. I am sure I will come back sore in several ways. My only hope is that the others come back equally so. For my part, I’ll be doing my best to be completely unable to remember anything that will happen in the next week.

The world of EVE may never see the like of this again. That is, until next year, when the BOZO Extravaganza will very likely coincide with Fanfest in Iceland. For now, expect a great disturbance in The Force, as if millions of Mexicans suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Fear not, seekers of PVP! There are many BOZOs who will remain to hold down the fort. By that, I mean they will be taking this as an excuse to do all kinds of crazy shit in an effort to impress the BOZO illuminati upon their return.

If I survive… there will be updates after it’s over.

September 16, 2009, 20:04
Filed under: Editorial | Tags: , ,

Look at all you lazy bloggers out there. What the hell are you doing? Writing about how hard it is to maintain a POS, or the best setup to tank gate sentry guns for your gay little pirate camps in lowsec? You’re pathetic! Nobody cares about your crappy POS, unless it’s to laugh at it being put into reinforced! Pirating is somewhat more interesting, IF there’s a good writer behind the blog. I can tell you right now that I’ve seen a few blogs that lack this seemingly vital aspect.

Want to make your blog more interesting? Want to piss off your superiors and then play innocent by claiming it was just in the interest of a blog contest? Want to win some FREE STUFF?

Damn skippy!

Take a brief break from the humdrum of your usual blogging routine and participate in the Crazy Kinux is a Giant Faggot Eve Blog Banter Contest! Brought to you by Clown Punchers., the corp you love to hate or hate to love as you strap on your kneepads and prepare to siphon out a big ol’ bowl of BOZO baby-batter.

We need one more entry! Wouldn’t you love to show up all the other contestants and win some awesome EVE swag? If you get first place you ALSO get a custom shirt with a one-time only design that proclaims you the master of the ancient art of EVE blogging.


In Memorium
September 12, 2009, 01:46
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: ,

Some people might say it’s distasteful to run what we call a Jihad fleet on the eight-year anniversary of September 11th. Some might say it’s rude, hurtful, disrespectful, even downright unpatriotic.

We here at BOZO say that it is, in fact, the MOST patriotic fleet to run, because we run it in defiance of those who would bring us down. We run it because The Terrorists need to know that we will not be defeated, that our spirits will never be broken.

I’m not sure how many terrorists play EVE, but there’s got to be at least one, and I’m sure he’ll spread the word to the others.

The basic principle of the Jihad fleet is simple: no one comes back alive. There is no retreat. Once you decide to engage, you engage until everyone is dead or the field is clear. You take out the cheapest ships you have, you trust your FC to make the best tactical decision to engage, and you praise Allah with your last breath as you plow headlong into the explosions of battle.

Generally the BOZO Jihad fleet has great results. How can this be, against T2 ships? Wouldn’t our cheap little cruisers and frigates just melt under the turrets of a better-stocked, better-equiped armada?

Indeed they do, but not before we send a few unlucky enemies to meet their seventy-two virgins. Usually they’re the pilots with the most expensive ships.

You see, we rate our success based on our efficiency. It doesn’t matter if ten of us died – if one enemy died, but their ship was worth more than our ten, we won.

Case in point: today we found a Xenogenesis Alliance pilot out and about in a Huginn. Salivating, we chased him through two systems, only to jump into a gatecamp of all his buddes. This is really the perfect situation for the Jihad fleet – we get to jump in, hold cloak as we select our juiciest targets, then decloak en masse and obliterate the enemy. The Huginn pilot probably thought he’d led us like lambs to the slaughter. For this, I thank him. Good PVP in Syndicate has been hard to find lately. May his goats always remain free of parasites.

The battle summary shows our 78% efficiency. Twelve heroic BOZOs became martyrs, and we only took out six of them, but those six were worth much more than our entire fleet. We pretty much raped them. We made them put on pretty, pretty Burkhas, and we bent them over and forcibly removed their honor. And by “honor”, I mean their butt-cherries.

For the sake of their psyches, I hope Hikage Corporation rate their success by the number of enemy ships they take out. After all, it’s much more rewarding to take out twenty Caracals than one Thanatos, yeah?

Undeniable victory for us, with unending shame and humiliation for the enemy.  It’s the American way. And, I suppose, the UK way as well.

Frigates are Scary
September 4, 2009, 07:45
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags:

So it was pretty dead in good ol’ Syndicate earlier, and some of the other BOZOs and I were trying to rile up the locals. You know. Work them into a frothy rage so they might actually undock something we could shoot at.

The rump-rangers in F67 had nothing to say, nor did the nut-munchers in X-B. Metal Michelle and I continued further on into FD- and X-M. I can’t remember which system it was, but my trusty Rifter and I jumped in to find four ships massing on the gate. Couple of cruisers and some tackle, if I recall.

By the time the fourth ship landed on the gate, the others were already aligning out, prepared to abandon their comrade to whatever horrible fate awaited him on the other side. What could it be! A gank fleet? Battleships? CARRIERS? OH GOD IT’S THE MOTHER OF ALL FLEETS RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT GATE RUN FOR IT DON’T GO BACK FOR JOHNNY HE”S FUCKED!

Yeah. No.

I was in a Rifter. Metal was in a Jaguar.

That’s it. That was our fleet.

But they had no intel, because apparently scouting is too scary. I mean, what if you jump into a gatecamp? There’s just no escaping a gatecamp, is there? It’s impossible. And what happens when you actually FIND an enemy fleet? No soldier should be sent to such a horrible death as that!

Or maybe it’s that Syndicate is full of douchey little cock-smokers who have no idea how to PVP, and thusly must immediately retreat when they encounter even ONE pilot from BOZO. The only other gang that elicits such a visceral reaction is Cry Havoc, and that’s because they have nothing better to do than hot-drop carriers and battleships onto gangs composed of cruisers and frigates once it becomes clear that the fight might not go their way.

They could’ve smoked our two-man gang. They had the damage, they had the tackle. They could’ve at least tried to gank my little Rifter. Who knows, I could have BPOs in there! They could’ve easily alpha-volleyed my frigate while aligning out and escaping unscathed.

I don’t even know why people go roaming when all they’re going to do is run away from enemy fleets. Can someone explain this to me? I would appreciate it.

The best part was leaving and then jumping in again a few minutes later, once they’d finally worked up the balls to warp to the gate one more time. And they still scattered, thus scientifically proving themselves to be enormous pussies. The sad part is that I was so amused by the apparent ferocity of my Rifter that I neglected to notice what alliance found me so frightening.

It shouldn’t be hard to find them, though. They’ll be in the system that smells like fear and urine.