The Reckless Rifter

Ode to Genitalia Club
February 7, 2010, 02:06
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: , , ,

I really have no idea what kind of odds it would take for GC to stand and fight. If someone could enlighten me, that’d be great.

We had a 15-man BC fleet, out and about, roaming the wild and woolly reaches of Curse. GC had already camped a nearby gate, but departed before we were done assembling our fleet in our home system. Fine, whatever. Maybe they were already leaving anyway.

So we’re out and about, and wouldn’t you know it, eventually we find GC again. They’ve also got lots of BCs, tackle, logistics, the works. A handsome fleet for BOZO to engage.

They also outnumber us at least 2:1, if not 3:1. I knew I should’ve gotten a screenshot…

Anyway, we send in our scout to get aggro, and proceed to warp our fleet in for what we all assume will be a delicious bloodbath.

And just as the battle was joined, and one of our Hurricanes went down, GC suddenly had a change of heart. They secreted what I like to call “nerd grease”, which is a defensive mechanism developed by all geeks, dorks, four-eyes, and melvins. Essentially, when a bully approaches and attempts to grab hold of the unfortunate nerd, the skin immediately produces a fine layer of oil that allows him to slip away from the grasping claws of an otherwise unavoidable wedgie.

I can only assume this was GC’s tactic. We had our tackle warp in at range initially, so our secondary tackle was unable to grab hold of any of the little bastards before they turned tail.

The best part was the smack afterward. They considered it a win. They killed ONE SHIP from a fleet half their size, and promptly retreated without firing another shot. Their version also claims that we had “even numbers”, and that was mere seconds after they slipped on their own shit trying to wriggle away.

Balls achingly blue (metaphorically speaking, for some of us), we ended up venturing out to CVA space. And, in what will probably be my closest brush with large-alliance warfare, we saw a reinforced tower in 9UY, or somewhere thereabouts. Exciting!

We got our fight by ganking some people who were doing something to a sovereignty module, or whatever the hell those things are. I don’t pay attention to that shit. Apparently you can drop some kind of flag with your name on it and then you own that system. I guess that’s how it usually works throughout history, despite the protestations of the natives.

We died horribly, but we got our fight, and I had to get up for work in four hours anyway. Apparently, after my ass got podded back home (fastest way to travel), there was some more action, but I can’t speak to that.

In closing, I’d like to thank GC for being such cowards, because on our trip out to Catch and Providence, we ganked a Tengu, which was my first T3 kill. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had Rifters tank more… T3 is still T3.

We also found out that GC loves BOZOKast and waits with bated breath for our every intimation that we might even THINK about mentioning them. It’s good to have fans.

Stop Being Lazy
January 14, 2010, 08:10
Filed under: BOZOKast | Tags: ,

So you see our smack in local, and think you’re so far above it? You think we’re infantile and immature? You think we’re a corp full of giggling retards?

Well why don’t you prove how smart you are by submitting a limerick for our Valentine’s Day edition of BOZOKast, you pseudo-intellectual asshole! Submissions will be read aloud by a special, sexy-voiced female guest, and there IS a prize involved, for all you “what’s in it for me” types.

If you don’t know what a limerick is, you’re fucking retarded. Put us in our places with your witty verses, or shut the fuck up. This is a great way to feel superior to us, even if you’ve had your dicks stomped by us in PVP on numerous occasions!

Submit now, faggots!

Well hot damn.
December 22, 2009, 05:01
Filed under: BOZOKast, Editorial | Tags: , ,

This blog is actually getting hits still? What the fuck? You people are pathetic.

Yeah, I picked up another job to keep the heat on, the EVE account active and the Internet connected. Unfortunately, the time I have to spend at work makes me unable to actually ENJOY the heat, Internet, and EVE, but I’m sure the dog appreciates it.

BOZO turned 2, by the way. See also: BOZOKast Christmas Special. Guaranteed to raise your sperm count!

November 2, 2009, 06:11
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags:

Halloween: BOZO Style

That is all.

This just ain’t right.
October 19, 2009, 05:05
Filed under: The PVP | Tags: ,

So I wanted some kind of PVP before bed, but only a few people were on, and I’m not quite yet comfortable enough in my big FC shoes (especially considering they’re clown shoes to begin with) to take out a roam.

Solution? Gatecamp. Quite a few solitary pilots were in and out of Hemin as we were assembling our fleet, which makes for perfect gatecamp fodder. Naturally, it immediately died once the bubbles were anchored, and we only got one unsuspecting cyno Kestrel.

Upon examining the kill on our killboard, which had just turned over to a new week, I noticed something quite insulting.

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

What the fresh Hell? Does anyone else notice something wrong with this picture? I’m sorry, was my contribution to this crappy cyno-ship kill not as important as the Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I’s contribution?

Actually… it probably wasn’t.

October 14, 2009, 04:24
Filed under: BOZOKast | Tags: , ,

So who won?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

All will be revealed… in BOZOKast 11.

What I can say here is that Mexico was mind-blowing, and next year will be even… blowier.

Sex and Tequila – The BOZO Mexican Extravaganza
September 20, 2009, 05:46
Filed under: Editorial | Tags:

That’s right my pretties – it’s time for the 2009 BOZO Extravaganza. Last year was Vegas, and this year… Mexico.

We will descend on the beaches en masse, armed with only our shot-glasses, Speedos, and pseudoephedrines. The resort staff will learn new ways to curse in English, and possibly, new and terrifying sexual techniques. Other tourists will leave the area when they see “those people” again. Small children selling horchata will run in fear.

I joined BOZO shortly after the Vegas Extravaganza, so this will be quite an experience for me. Mini BOZOFest on Memorial Day Weekend was certainly memorable, and I have no doubt that a full week with an even higher concentration of both BOZOs and alcohol will be mind-blowing. I am sure I will come back sore in several ways. My only hope is that the others come back equally so. For my part, I’ll be doing my best to be completely unable to remember anything that will happen in the next week.

The world of EVE may never see the like of this again. That is, until next year, when the BOZO Extravaganza will very likely coincide with Fanfest in Iceland. For now, expect a great disturbance in The Force, as if millions of Mexicans suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

Fear not, seekers of PVP! There are many BOZOs who will remain to hold down the fort. By that, I mean they will be taking this as an excuse to do all kinds of crazy shit in an effort to impress the BOZO illuminati upon their return.

If I survive… there will be updates after it’s over.