The Reckless Rifter

Ode to Genitalia Club
February 7, 2010, 02:06
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: , , ,

I really have no idea what kind of odds it would take for GC to stand and fight. If someone could enlighten me, that’d be great.

We had a 15-man BC fleet, out and about, roaming the wild and woolly reaches of Curse. GC had already camped a nearby gate, but departed before we were done assembling our fleet in our home system. Fine, whatever. Maybe they were already leaving anyway.

So we’re out and about, and wouldn’t you know it, eventually we find GC again. They’ve also got lots of BCs, tackle, logistics, the works. A handsome fleet for BOZO to engage.

They also outnumber us at least 2:1, if not 3:1. I knew I should’ve gotten a screenshot…

Anyway, we send in our scout to get aggro, and proceed to warp our fleet in for what we all assume will be a delicious bloodbath.

And just as the battle was joined, and one of our Hurricanes went down, GC suddenly had a change of heart. They secreted what I like to call “nerd grease”, which is a defensive mechanism developed by all geeks, dorks, four-eyes, and melvins. Essentially, when a bully approaches and attempts to grab hold of the unfortunate nerd, the skin immediately produces a fine layer of oil that allows him to slip away from the grasping claws of an otherwise unavoidable wedgie.

I can only assume this was GC’s tactic. We had our tackle warp in at range initially, so our secondary tackle was unable to grab hold of any of the little bastards before they turned tail.

The best part was the smack afterward. They considered it a win. They killed ONE SHIP from a fleet half their size, and promptly retreated without firing another shot. Their version also claims that we had “even numbers”, and that was mere seconds after they slipped on their own shit trying to wriggle away.

Balls achingly blue (metaphorically speaking, for some of us), we ended up venturing out to CVA space. And, in what will probably be my closest brush with large-alliance warfare, we saw a reinforced tower in 9UY, or somewhere thereabouts. Exciting!

We got our fight by ganking some people who were doing something to a sovereignty module, or whatever the hell those things are. I don’t pay attention to that shit. Apparently you can drop some kind of flag with your name on it and then you own that system. I guess that’s how it usually works throughout history, despite the protestations of the natives.

We died horribly, but we got our fight, and I had to get up for work in four hours anyway. Apparently, after my ass got podded back home (fastest way to travel), there was some more action, but I can’t speak to that.

In closing, I’d like to thank GC for being such cowards, because on our trip out to Catch and Providence, we ganked a Tengu, which was my first T3 kill. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had Rifters tank more… T3 is still T3.

We also found out that GC loves BOZOKast and waits with bated breath for our every intimation that we might even THINK about mentioning them. It’s good to have fans.


This just ain’t right.
October 19, 2009, 05:05
Filed under: The PVP | Tags: ,

So I wanted some kind of PVP before bed, but only a few people were on, and I’m not quite yet comfortable enough in my big FC shoes (especially considering they’re clown shoes to begin with) to take out a roam.

Solution? Gatecamp. Quite a few solitary pilots were in and out of Hemin as we were assembling our fleet, which makes for perfect gatecamp fodder. Naturally, it immediately died once the bubbles were anchored, and we only got one unsuspecting cyno Kestrel.

Upon examining the kill on our killboard, which had just turned over to a new week, I noticed something quite insulting.

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

Served by Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I

What the fresh Hell? Does anyone else notice something wrong with this picture? I’m sorry, was my contribution to this crappy cyno-ship kill not as important as the Mobile Small Warp Disruptor I’s contribution?

Actually… it probably wasn’t.

In Memorium
September 12, 2009, 01:46
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: ,

Some people might say it’s distasteful to run what we call a Jihad fleet on the eight-year anniversary of September 11th. Some might say it’s rude, hurtful, disrespectful, even downright unpatriotic.

We here at BOZO say that it is, in fact, the MOST patriotic fleet to run, because we run it in defiance of those who would bring us down. We run it because The Terrorists need to know that we will not be defeated, that our spirits will never be broken.

I’m not sure how many terrorists play EVE, but there’s got to be at least one, and I’m sure he’ll spread the word to the others.

The basic principle of the Jihad fleet is simple: no one comes back alive. There is no retreat. Once you decide to engage, you engage until everyone is dead or the field is clear. You take out the cheapest ships you have, you trust your FC to make the best tactical decision to engage, and you praise Allah with your last breath as you plow headlong into the explosions of battle.

Generally the BOZO Jihad fleet has great results. How can this be, against T2 ships? Wouldn’t our cheap little cruisers and frigates just melt under the turrets of a better-stocked, better-equiped armada?

Indeed they do, but not before we send a few unlucky enemies to meet their seventy-two virgins. Usually they’re the pilots with the most expensive ships.

You see, we rate our success based on our efficiency. It doesn’t matter if ten of us died – if one enemy died, but their ship was worth more than our ten, we won.

Case in point: today we found a Xenogenesis Alliance pilot out and about in a Huginn. Salivating, we chased him through two systems, only to jump into a gatecamp of all his buddes. This is really the perfect situation for the Jihad fleet – we get to jump in, hold cloak as we select our juiciest targets, then decloak en masse and obliterate the enemy. The Huginn pilot probably thought he’d led us like lambs to the slaughter. For this, I thank him. Good PVP in Syndicate has been hard to find lately. May his goats always remain free of parasites.

The battle summary shows our 78% efficiency. Twelve heroic BOZOs became martyrs, and we only took out six of them, but those six were worth much more than our entire fleet. We pretty much raped them. We made them put on pretty, pretty Burkhas, and we bent them over and forcibly removed their honor. And by “honor”, I mean their butt-cherries.

For the sake of their psyches, I hope Hikage Corporation rate their success by the number of enemy ships they take out. After all, it’s much more rewarding to take out twenty Caracals than one Thanatos, yeah?

Undeniable victory for us, with unending shame and humiliation for the enemy.  It’s the American way. And, I suppose, the UK way as well.

Frigates are Scary
September 4, 2009, 07:45
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags:

So it was pretty dead in good ol’ Syndicate earlier, and some of the other BOZOs and I were trying to rile up the locals. You know. Work them into a frothy rage so they might actually undock something we could shoot at.

The rump-rangers in F67 had nothing to say, nor did the nut-munchers in X-B. Metal Michelle and I continued further on into FD- and X-M. I can’t remember which system it was, but my trusty Rifter and I jumped in to find four ships massing on the gate. Couple of cruisers and some tackle, if I recall.

By the time the fourth ship landed on the gate, the others were already aligning out, prepared to abandon their comrade to whatever horrible fate awaited him on the other side. What could it be! A gank fleet? Battleships? CARRIERS? OH GOD IT’S THE MOTHER OF ALL FLEETS RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT GATE RUN FOR IT DON’T GO BACK FOR JOHNNY HE”S FUCKED!

Yeah. No.

I was in a Rifter. Metal was in a Jaguar.

That’s it. That was our fleet.

But they had no intel, because apparently scouting is too scary. I mean, what if you jump into a gatecamp? There’s just no escaping a gatecamp, is there? It’s impossible. And what happens when you actually FIND an enemy fleet? No soldier should be sent to such a horrible death as that!

Or maybe it’s that Syndicate is full of douchey little cock-smokers who have no idea how to PVP, and thusly must immediately retreat when they encounter even ONE pilot from BOZO. The only other gang that elicits such a visceral reaction is Cry Havoc, and that’s because they have nothing better to do than hot-drop carriers and battleships onto gangs composed of cruisers and frigates once it becomes clear that the fight might not go their way.

They could’ve smoked our two-man gang. They had the damage, they had the tackle. They could’ve at least tried to gank my little Rifter. Who knows, I could have BPOs in there! They could’ve easily alpha-volleyed my frigate while aligning out and escaping unscathed.

I don’t even know why people go roaming when all they’re going to do is run away from enemy fleets. Can someone explain this to me? I would appreciate it.

The best part was leaving and then jumping in again a few minutes later, once they’d finally worked up the balls to warp to the gate one more time. And they still scattered, thus scientifically proving themselves to be enormous pussies. The sad part is that I was so amused by the apparent ferocity of my Rifter that I neglected to notice what alliance found me so frightening.

It shouldn’t be hard to find them, though. They’ll be in the system that smells like fear and urine.