The Reckless Rifter

In Memorium
September 12, 2009, 01:46
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: ,

Some people might say it’s distasteful to run what we call a Jihad fleet on the eight-year anniversary of September 11th. Some might say it’s rude, hurtful, disrespectful, even downright unpatriotic.

We here at BOZO say that it is, in fact, the MOST patriotic fleet to run, because we run it in defiance of those who would bring us down. We run it because The Terrorists need to know that we will not be defeated, that our spirits will never be broken.

I’m not sure how many terrorists play EVE, but there’s got to be at least one, and I’m sure he’ll spread the word to the others.

The basic principle of the Jihad fleet is simple: no one comes back alive. There is no retreat. Once you decide to engage, you engage until everyone is dead or the field is clear. You take out the cheapest ships you have, you trust your FC to make the best tactical decision to engage, and you praise Allah with your last breath as you plow headlong into the explosions of battle.

Generally the BOZO Jihad fleet has great results. How can this be, against T2 ships? Wouldn’t our cheap little cruisers and frigates just melt under the turrets of a better-stocked, better-equiped armada?

Indeed they do, but not before we send a few unlucky enemies to meet their seventy-two virgins. Usually they’re the pilots with the most expensive ships.

You see, we rate our success based on our efficiency. It doesn’t matter if ten of us died – if one enemy died, but their ship was worth more than our ten, we won.

Case in point: today we found a Xenogenesis Alliance pilot out and about in a Huginn. Salivating, we chased him through two systems, only to jump into a gatecamp of all his buddes. This is really the perfect situation for the Jihad fleet – we get to jump in, hold cloak as we select our juiciest targets, then decloak en masse and obliterate the enemy. The Huginn pilot probably thought he’d led us like lambs to the slaughter. For this, I thank him. Good PVP in Syndicate has been hard to find lately. May his goats always remain free of parasites.

The battle summary shows our 78% efficiency. Twelve heroic BOZOs became martyrs, and we only took out six of them, but those six were worth much more than our entire fleet. We pretty much raped them. We made them put on pretty, pretty Burkhas, and we bent them over and forcibly removed their honor. And by “honor”, I mean their butt-cherries.

For the sake of their psyches, I hope Hikage Corporation rate their success by the number of enemy ships they take out. After all, it’s much more rewarding to take out twenty Caracals than one Thanatos, yeah?

Undeniable victory for us, with unending shame and humiliation for the enemy.  It’s the American way. And, I suppose, the UK way as well.