The Reckless Rifter

September 16, 2009, 20:04
Filed under: Editorial | Tags: , ,

Look at all you lazy bloggers out there. What the hell are you doing? Writing about how hard it is to maintain a POS, or the best setup to tank gate sentry guns for your gay little pirate camps in lowsec? You’re pathetic! Nobody cares about your crappy POS, unless it’s to laugh at it being put into reinforced! Pirating is somewhat more interesting, IF there’s a good writer behind the blog. I can tell you right now that I’ve seen a few blogs that lack this seemingly vital aspect.

Want to make your blog more interesting? Want to piss off your superiors and then play innocent by claiming it was just in the interest of a blog contest? Want to win some FREE STUFF?

Damn skippy!

Take a brief break from the humdrum of your usual blogging routine and participate in the Crazy Kinux is a Giant Faggot Eve Blog Banter Contest! Brought to you by Clown Punchers., the corp you love to hate or hate to love as you strap on your kneepads and prepare to siphon out a big ol’ bowl of BOZO baby-batter.

We need one more entry! Wouldn’t you love to show up all the other contestants and win some awesome EVE swag? If you get first place you ALSO get a custom shirt with a one-time only design that proclaims you the master of the ancient art of EVE blogging.



In Memorium
September 12, 2009, 01:46
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: ,

Some people might say it’s distasteful to run what we call a Jihad fleet on the eight-year anniversary of September 11th. Some might say it’s rude, hurtful, disrespectful, even downright unpatriotic.

We here at BOZO say that it is, in fact, the MOST patriotic fleet to run, because we run it in defiance of those who would bring us down. We run it because The Terrorists need to know that we will not be defeated, that our spirits will never be broken.

I’m not sure how many terrorists play EVE, but there’s got to be at least one, and I’m sure he’ll spread the word to the others.

The basic principle of the Jihad fleet is simple: no one comes back alive. There is no retreat. Once you decide to engage, you engage until everyone is dead or the field is clear. You take out the cheapest ships you have, you trust your FC to make the best tactical decision to engage, and you praise Allah with your last breath as you plow headlong into the explosions of battle.

Generally the BOZO Jihad fleet has great results. How can this be, against T2 ships? Wouldn’t our cheap little cruisers and frigates just melt under the turrets of a better-stocked, better-equiped armada?

Indeed they do, but not before we send a few unlucky enemies to meet their seventy-two virgins. Usually they’re the pilots with the most expensive ships.

You see, we rate our success based on our efficiency. It doesn’t matter if ten of us died – if one enemy died, but their ship was worth more than our ten, we won.

Case in point: today we found a Xenogenesis Alliance pilot out and about in a Huginn. Salivating, we chased him through two systems, only to jump into a gatecamp of all his buddes. This is really the perfect situation for the Jihad fleet – we get to jump in, hold cloak as we select our juiciest targets, then decloak en masse and obliterate the enemy. The Huginn pilot probably thought he’d led us like lambs to the slaughter. For this, I thank him. Good PVP in Syndicate has been hard to find lately. May his goats always remain free of parasites.

The battle summary shows our 78% efficiency. Twelve heroic BOZOs became martyrs, and we only took out six of them, but those six were worth much more than our entire fleet. We pretty much raped them. We made them put on pretty, pretty Burkhas, and we bent them over and forcibly removed their honor. And by “honor”, I mean their butt-cherries.

For the sake of their psyches, I hope Hikage Corporation rate their success by the number of enemy ships they take out. After all, it’s much more rewarding to take out twenty Caracals than one Thanatos, yeah?

Undeniable victory for us, with unending shame and humiliation for the enemy.  It’s the American way. And, I suppose, the UK way as well.

Frigates are Scary
September 4, 2009, 07:45
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags:

So it was pretty dead in good ol’ Syndicate earlier, and some of the other BOZOs and I were trying to rile up the locals. You know. Work them into a frothy rage so they might actually undock something we could shoot at.

The rump-rangers in F67 had nothing to say, nor did the nut-munchers in X-B. Metal Michelle and I continued further on into FD- and X-M. I can’t remember which system it was, but my trusty Rifter and I jumped in to find four ships massing on the gate. Couple of cruisers and some tackle, if I recall.

By the time the fourth ship landed on the gate, the others were already aligning out, prepared to abandon their comrade to whatever horrible fate awaited him on the other side. What could it be! A gank fleet? Battleships? CARRIERS? OH GOD IT’S THE MOTHER OF ALL FLEETS RIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THAT GATE RUN FOR IT DON’T GO BACK FOR JOHNNY HE”S FUCKED!

Yeah. No.

I was in a Rifter. Metal was in a Jaguar.

That’s it. That was our fleet.

But they had no intel, because apparently scouting is too scary. I mean, what if you jump into a gatecamp? There’s just no escaping a gatecamp, is there? It’s impossible. And what happens when you actually FIND an enemy fleet? No soldier should be sent to such a horrible death as that!

Or maybe it’s that Syndicate is full of douchey little cock-smokers who have no idea how to PVP, and thusly must immediately retreat when they encounter even ONE pilot from BOZO. The only other gang that elicits such a visceral reaction is Cry Havoc, and that’s because they have nothing better to do than hot-drop carriers and battleships onto gangs composed of cruisers and frigates once it becomes clear that the fight might not go their way.

They could’ve smoked our two-man gang. They had the damage, they had the tackle. They could’ve at least tried to gank my little Rifter. Who knows, I could have BPOs in there! They could’ve easily alpha-volleyed my frigate while aligning out and escaping unscathed.

I don’t even know why people go roaming when all they’re going to do is run away from enemy fleets. Can someone explain this to me? I would appreciate it.

The best part was leaving and then jumping in again a few minutes later, once they’d finally worked up the balls to warp to the gate one more time. And they still scattered, thus scientifically proving themselves to be enormous pussies. The sad part is that I was so amused by the apparent ferocity of my Rifter that I neglected to notice what alliance found me so frightening.

It shouldn’t be hard to find them, though. They’ll be in the system that smells like fear and urine.

BOZOKast 10
August 28, 2009, 03:09
Filed under: BOZOKast | Tags: , , ,

The new BOZOKast is out! You need to go listen to it or little gnomes will take advantage of your mother while she’s taking a shit!

BOZOKast 10 at Clown Punchers Syndicate.

Guaranteed to make your pants wet in some way or your money back!

CKIAGFEBBC1 – The Fast-Track to Roles Removed
August 26, 2009, 07:45
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: , ,

The call has been made to all EVE bloggers to enter the CrazyKinux is a Giant Faggot EVE Blog Banter Contest, and who could resist such an acronym? It rolls off the tongue with ease, just like your sister. And yes, I did create The Reckless Rifter to enter this contest. What can I say? Well, for starters, won’t you be embarrassed when this unestablished, irrelevant blog beats your ass in the contest? You’d better get those fingers moving. On the keyboard, that is.

Without further ado, the challenge issued reads thusly: “What is the thing you hate/dislike most about the player run corporation you are in?”

Unlike some of the other competitors, I won’t preface this by first gargling the testes of my corp in case I say something untoward. Not only do they lack the ISK to cover such a service, it pointlessly lengthens what is most likely a tedious entry to begin with. Stop being pussies and answer the damn question.

Since BOZO has my EVE corp cherry, I have no choice but to lampoon the infamous smack-talking, mom-raping, alliance-dissolving corporation that I adore. And the answer to the question posed is really very easy, for me. It’s something I absolutely hate, something that makes my sphincter clench with rage. It is the most frustrating aspect of EVE, as far as I’m concerned, though I understand not every corporation or alliance must slog through this struggle.

What is it, you ask? Is it that we have no Player-Owned Stations to sap our time and resources with their incessant EVE-mails and shield-repping? Is it that we have no sovereignty in which to snuggle up together and masturbate to the sounds of mining drones filling our cargo-holds with minerals?

My dear readers, it is nothing less than this: we can hardly get a fight.

Love us or hate us, people dock when we roll through. The insults and foul langauge we throw in Local are really a cry for help! We’re trying to provoke a fight. Unfortunately, the rage we imbue in our adversaries is the calibur that results in the hot-dropping of carriers on a fleet of HACs, or even cruisers and frigates. Hell, we’ve even been the recipients of a Doomsday or two.

We tend to work our enemies into a frothy, anger-induced tunnel-vision, and the only solution to “taking care of Clowns” is cynoing in an inescapable, unsurvivable fleet of unimaginable damage. Unfortunately for the opposition, we usually end up ganking whatever their “bait” fleet was and escaping, leaving them with their pants down and their erections drooping. They call in friends, make tenuous alliances with larger, more powerful corporations in the hopes of driving us out, and after a few fights, the same always comes to fruition: our home system and the surrounding corridors are swept clean, and our only hope of a fight is trying to provoke a station-hugger away from the warm bosom of safety. We even end up poking the hornets’ nest of sovereign space belonging to large alliances out of desperation for our PVP fix.

A good fight does not have to be even numbers, by far. Nor does it have to be similar fleet composition. Our targets, however, seem to be of the “all or nothing” school of thought. Either they refuse to undock, or, after ample warning and consideration of our firepower, they assemble a monolithic fleet that consists of every single carrier and fighter they can scrape up.

The solution? I have no idea. I’m just tired of having to look like we’re limping home with half a round of ammunition left and smoldering hulls to get an engagement.. We are unable to curb our bloodlust or our exacting standards, so until the rest of EVE figures out how to bring us a decent battle, we shall forever wallow in the shame of our own ruthless efficiency.

And that, my pretties, is my only beef with Clown Punchers Syndicate.

Other Pitiful Contestants:

  • Diary of a Space Jockey I really like you but…
  • Musing on Utter Crap I usually hate Clowns…
  • Life in Lowsec Why I hate Hellcats
  • Zen and the Art of Internet Spaceship Maintenance Pick a damn lane and drive in it!
  • Arguably AwesomeCKIAGFEBBC Entry
  • This is how I do it! CKIAGFEBBC #1 – It’s all about the BOZOs
  • Shenanigans from PPIt has to be said…
  • Hands Off, My Loots!I frickin’ HATE Ninjas!