The Reckless Rifter

CKIAGFEBBC1 – The Fast-Track to Roles Removed
August 26, 2009, 07:45
Filed under: Editorial, The PVP | Tags: , ,

The call has been made to all EVE bloggers to enter the CrazyKinux is a Giant Faggot EVE Blog Banter Contest, and who could resist such an acronym? It rolls off the tongue with ease, just like your sister. And yes, I did create The Reckless Rifter to enter this contest. What can I say? Well, for starters, won’t you be embarrassed when this unestablished, irrelevant blog beats your ass in the contest? You’d better get those fingers moving. On the keyboard, that is.

Without further ado, the challenge issued reads thusly: “What is the thing you hate/dislike most about the player run corporation you are in?”

Unlike some of the other competitors, I won’t preface this by first gargling the testes of my corp in case I say something untoward. Not only do they lack the ISK to cover such a service, it pointlessly lengthens what is most likely a tedious entry to begin with. Stop being pussies and answer the damn question.

Since BOZO has my EVE corp cherry, I have no choice but to lampoon the infamous smack-talking, mom-raping, alliance-dissolving corporation that I adore. And the answer to the question posed is really very easy, for me. It’s something I absolutely hate, something that makes my sphincter clench with rage. It is the most frustrating aspect of EVE, as far as I’m concerned, though I understand not every corporation or alliance must slog through this struggle.

What is it, you ask? Is it that we have no Player-Owned Stations to sap our time and resources with their incessant EVE-mails and shield-repping? Is it that we have no sovereignty in which to snuggle up together and masturbate to the sounds of mining drones filling our cargo-holds with minerals?

My dear readers, it is nothing less than this: we can hardly get a fight.

Love us or hate us, people dock when we roll through. The insults and foul langauge we throw in Local are really a cry for help! We’re trying to provoke a fight. Unfortunately, the rage we imbue in our adversaries is the calibur that results in the hot-dropping of carriers on a fleet of HACs, or even cruisers and frigates. Hell, we’ve even been the recipients of a Doomsday or two.

We tend to work our enemies into a frothy, anger-induced tunnel-vision, and the only solution to “taking care of Clowns” is cynoing in an inescapable, unsurvivable fleet of unimaginable damage. Unfortunately for the opposition, we usually end up ganking whatever their “bait” fleet was and escaping, leaving them with their pants down and their erections drooping. They call in friends, make tenuous alliances with larger, more powerful corporations in the hopes of driving us out, and after a few fights, the same always comes to fruition: our home system and the surrounding corridors are swept clean, and our only hope of a fight is trying to provoke a station-hugger away from the warm bosom of safety. We even end up poking the hornets’ nest of sovereign space belonging to large alliances out of desperation for our PVP fix.

A good fight does not have to be even numbers, by far. Nor does it have to be similar fleet composition. Our targets, however, seem to be of the “all or nothing” school of thought. Either they refuse to undock, or, after ample warning and consideration of our firepower, they assemble a monolithic fleet that consists of every single carrier and fighter they can scrape up.

The solution? I have no idea. I’m just tired of having to look like we’re limping home with half a round of ammunition left and smoldering hulls to get an engagement.. We are unable to curb our bloodlust or our exacting standards, so until the rest of EVE figures out how to bring us a decent battle, we shall forever wallow in the shame of our own ruthless efficiency.

And that, my pretties, is my only beef with Clown Punchers Syndicate.

Other Pitiful Contestants:

  • Diary of a Space Jockey I really like you but…
  • Musing on Utter Crap I usually hate Clowns…
  • Life in Lowsec Why I hate Hellcats
  • Zen and the Art of Internet Spaceship Maintenance Pick a damn lane and drive in it!
  • Arguably AwesomeCKIAGFEBBC Entry
  • This is how I do it! CKIAGFEBBC #1 – It’s all about the BOZOs
  • Shenanigans from PPIt has to be said…
  • Hands Off, My Loots!I frickin’ HATE Ninjas!
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